- What is my age:
- I understand:
- Zodiac sign:
- I'm Cancer
- Body features:
- I'm quite slim
Discovering a partner has cheated on you can be devastating. You might feel hurt, angry, sad, or even physically sick.
Paradoxically, both men and women are also programmed to mate for life. Both can choose short-term or long-term sex strategies. What men want, however, differs from what women want. The theory that men's and women's sexual desires are hard-wired isn't new.
Different desires for marriage partners
It's been controversial for decades. Now a central tenet of evolutionary psychologythe theory holds that our sexual behavior evolved over millennia and is encoded in our brains.
We aren't doomed to act out these programs. But they do shape our desires. According to evolutionary psychology, men and women each evolved their own strategies for seeking sex partners. If that's true, men's sexual desires should be the same for men everywhere. And the desires of men everywhere in the world should differ in the same ways from those of women.
The same would hold true for women. The projects findings appear in the July issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. What really irks Schmitt is that many people interpret this finding to mean that women are deed to be faithful but men are predestined to be promiscuous.
That's not what the evidence shows. Instead, both women and men are fully equipped for one-night stands and lifelong relationships.
Schmitt and colleagues asked men and women all over the world about what they wanted from long-term and short-term sexual relationships. They are a little more discriminating. They look for physically attractive men who have masculine facial features.
Women look for men who are symmetrical, who are high in social dominance.
I’ll admit i want to.
This doesn't mean all women will be short-term maters. But when they opt to do so, they show these desires. Another big difference: Men are ready to say "yes" to sex much more quickly than women. They say they'd need to know a person only a relatively short time before consenting to sex. Women want to know their potential partners ificantly longer before sex. Yet another difference points to the origin of the dumb-blonde stereotype: The minds of men.
These different desires hold true regardless of whether women or men are married or single, heterosexual or homosexual. And they hold true across six continents. Schmitt's findings also support basic differences between men and women in what they want in a marriage partner. Men prefer women who are intelligent, too, but not as much.
These differences really shouldn't surprise anybody, says Helen E. Men and women are very different creatures," Fisher tells WebMD. Men, she says, already know that they need to appear fit and socially powerful to attract a mate.
And women certainly know what attracts men. It is remarkable how the makeup and clothing industry constantly plays on this. Makeup makes the face clearer, the eyes bigger, the lips more baby-like red, the hair the sweet light color of youth. Clothing, too: The belts and things that show off the waist-to-hip ratio, the tight blue jeans and shirts that mold the figure. Both sexes always know these things. People built their hopes and dreams on relationships, not mating strategies. But there's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and going for it, says George Williams, PhD, an Atlanta-based marital and sex therapist.
Williams agrees with Schmitt and Fisher that men and women have innate desires wired deep into the brain.
But he stresses the importance of other brain wiring -- that which gives us reason. We can use reason in our sex lives. Just because men and women are programmed for promiscuity doesn't make it impossible -- or unnatural -- to have faithful, monogamous, long-term relationships.
Or as my college roomie used to say, 'God will throw a sexy woman in your path every six months. Don't fan the fire. Adultery doesn't just happen. One member of a relationship has to switch strategies. They are always problematic and usually dangerous.
Good sex partners vs. lots of sex partners
When people tell me they are having an affair, they think the most dangerous part is getting caught. I think the most dangerous thing is to fall in love. The least dangerous kind of an affair, he says, is the kind of one-night stands that happen at a convention or a conference where people part and never meet again. The most dangerous are secret, longstanding affairs that go on for years with fantasies and hopes and dreams of building a relationship. What makes it an affair? Williams thinks his answer will surprise most men -- and few women.
That "other" Williams speaks of may be a friend, or a co-worker -- or a pornographic image. Women will catch men engaging in something pornographic on the Internet," Williams says. It is a secret sexual encounter they are excluded from that contains arousal and ejaculation.
This takes energy from the relationship. I encourage people to keep the focus of their sexuality on their partners. Fortunately, men's and women's hard-wired sexual desires can be harnessed to help, not harm, their marriages.
Unfortunately, Fisher says, few people take advantage of this. We know we have to eat well and exercise regularly to keep healthy. But when it comes to marriage, for some reason we cling to that concept of 'til death do us part," she says. Because even in relationships in which people are deeply committed, one has to work to keep one's marriage together.
Where does one begin? Fisher points to the brain. Whenever people do something new -- or meet a new potential sex partner -- the brain secretes a chemical messenger called dopamine.
Best married dating sites
High dopamine levels are associated with sexual arousal. It really can help your sex drive. People always go to the same places for dinner. Go somewhere new for dinner, for vacation. Wear something new to bed. Pick up a new sport together; learn to ski. Go to new kinds of theatre and to movies.
This is why people go on vacations. It creates excitement. It is a way of tricking the brain into states of arousal and sexuality that can keep a marriage well groomed. As light-hearted as it sounds, this advice isn't simply a means for fun. Your marriage may depend on it.
These days it is easy to divorce. It is easy to be an adulterer. Women are far more independent these days, and there is no disgrace in divorce. Relationships are fragile. Your marriage needs a certain amount of regular massage to keep it in health.
From the WebMD Archives. Men and women are programmed for promiscuity. But we differ in our desires. Now there's convincing new evidence that this is so. Lots of Sex Partners "We don't say men and women always opt for short-term strategies," Schmitt says. Different Desires for Marriage Partners Schmitt's findings also support basic differences between men and women in what they want in a marriage partner. Sex Cheating Defined Adultery doesn't just happen. Use your imagination. Could I have CAD?